Thursday, December 4, 2014

Wha? You Found Me With That? And another Top 10 List...

Never run when carrying anything
helium inflated and shaped like a penis.
I like to look at my online traffic stats from time to time. It's nerdy entertainment and since I'm like 95% weinerdog it satisfies my inner geek. I want to know where you people are and how you got here on my blog. I'm nosy like that. 

But it's not like I wanna know exactly where you live in a creepy, stalky kinda way - ok, maybe a little bit - but I promise all my stalking will be limited to Google. I won't actually get in my car, drive to your house, knock on your door, and offer you candy. Unless you've got whiskey, then I might invite myself in for a drink.

So, on occasion, I look at the search terms and phrases used to find my blog and most of the time I just end up shaking my head.

You people are tweaked.

Like when I see the search term Dead people. Wha? Really? Uh. I really don't know what to say. You found my blog with that?

Then there's the phrase Wedgie Archive. Yeah. I'm not even sure where to find this archive of wedgies. Was this the 2011 panty archive? Cuz I'll admit to talking maybe a little too much about my panties - and I'll admit it's very likely I mentioned wedgies - but an archive? Of uncomfortable flossing? Yeah. Let me go look that up right now.

And what's up with stupid naked people? Who are you calling stupid? Sounds like smack talk to me. Hey, Google. Please make an app that smacks people in the head for typing stupid phrases.


My perfect naked Saucy McRibs..
And to the person who found my blog by typing in perfect naked boobs... THANK YOU. I know they had Saucy McRibs censoring them, but that topless shot was for reals. And yes... they may be petite, but they are beautiful and perky and I hope to keep them like that for at least a few more years.

And then there's the search phrase:
Never run when carrying anything h
You know, this just kills me. Google shortened the h-word so I can't see the rest of the phrase. This tragically leaves vocabulary to my discretion, which, is a really bad idea. No. A really, really, bad idea. Besides having a mind that camps out on top of cardboard in the gutter 80% of the time, I have a knack for butchering language and grammar. If it has rules I will purposefully (or accidentally) not only break them but shatter them into millions of little, tiny, nonsensical pieces. I will slice and dice that shit and make it whatever the hell I want cuz I can. I just did.

I've decided to shamelessly try and interpret the rest of the h-word search phrase based on what I already know about my audience. And since it seems, for now anyway, the majority of my readers are in the 25-34 year old male range I have to think like a 25-34 year old dude in order to even remotely come close.

But I'm not a dude. I am the proud owner of a soft taco. I will have to try my best. 

So here's my top ten list of
"h-word" things not to do while running:
1. Never run when carrying anything hanging off your nipples. (Or hanging off any other loose and swingy bit on your body.)
2. Never run when carrying anything hella stabby.

3. Never run when carrying anything helium inflated and shaped like a penis.

4. Never run when carrying anything hipsters wouldn't carry.

5. Never run when carrying anything hoochie-approved and ready for Vegas.
(Not recommended. At least keep it off The Strip. Unless you need a job.)
6. Never run when carrying anything hamsters with sharp teeth will nibble on. (Or at least avoid squirrels with extreme jumping skills.)
7. Never run when carrying anything half-assed and high. (Duh.)
8. Never run when carrying anything hot and pokey. (Duh again. Didn't you ever listen to your mama? You don't need Google for that.)

9. Never run when carrying anything heavy and dead. (Especially dead.)

10. Never run when carrying anything hogs can bite.
(Just stay away from all wild animals.)
As for the other terms and phrase I've found on my blog lately, they amuse me, but I must confess... I'm guilty as charged. They found me.
  • look at my naked ass
  • pool noodle sex toy
  • naked fitness girls
  • cameltoe runner
  • skipping rope fail
  • wha zap
  • jogging orgasm 
  • nude athletic women
  • running topless
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Monday, November 24, 2014

Finding Chocolate in My Pants - A Body Butter Inspiration

Uh. Whaaa?
So the other day I was changing to get ready to go to the gym and as I was climbing out of my jeans and panties (I like to take both off in one full swoop for efficiency) I found a large chunk of chocolate smeared on my inner right thigh. Real chocolate. Not the metaphorical kind. Trust me. A lot of things go through your mind when you encounter smeared ANYTHING in your pants. But being an ultra runner, (and if you've ever been out on a LONG run without toilet amenities you'll know what I'm talking about here) I was confident in my ability to handle the situation.


Suddenly a whole Question and Answer series scrolled in my head.

Question in my head: Whaaaaa?...
(Honestly, I was confused and having trouble comprehending the whole situation.)
Answer in my head: Dear God, that better be chocolate. (After a little inspection, thankfully it was.)

Q: I don't remember eating chocolate recently. (I realize this isn't a question, but it was in my head.)
A: That looks tasty. (Apparently, I'm quick to get over the shock of a brown smudge in my pants.)

Q: What's the quickest way to clean up this mess? (Again. I'm all about efficiency.)
A: Maybe I can lick it off. It would be tragic to let perfectly good chocolate go to waste.
(Yeah. Maybe I could reach it if I had this dude's skills ...)


  
Q: Wait. How'd chocolate get IN my pants? (There were smeared bits everywhere.)
A: Or the bigger question could be: How'd it get in my panties? (Cuz it was in there too.) (I realize I answered this question with a question, but things are often confusing in my head when faced with a crisis - especially when you find that crisis in your panties.)

Q: Is this my chocolate, or could it be someone else's chocolate? (Oh jeez. The horror.)
A: What would someone else's chocolate be doing in my pants?! (I don't wanna know.)

Q: ???
A: ?

Q: Look for caramel!! (Again. Not a question, but a good point.)
A: Yes Sherlock. The caramel would give it away. If there's a trace of caramel then I KNOW it's MY chocolate and not someone else's. (Cuz it's plausible that it could be the chocolate elves' chocolate. You know - those naughty elves who are highly adept at sneaking non-caramel fairie chocolate into obscure crevices on my body.)

Q: If I find caramel, I'm definitely licking that shit up. That shit shouldn't be wasted. (I realize that the word "shit" is probably not a good choice here.)
A: Oooooooh caramel! (Now I'm bending over inspecting the insides of my legs for tasty morsels.)

Q: DamnNo caramel. I wonder if there's more in the fridge?
A: I should just whip up another batch. (I'm easily distracted by thoughts of baking scrumptious desserts.)

Q: Hmmmm. Look at that - I really need to shave my legs. (I'm also easily distracted by my poor excuse for bodily hygiene.)
A: The texture of leg hair and chocolate could be a less-than-interesting combo. (You think?)

Q: You know... if I added a little shea butter to the chocolate, poured in a small amount of almond or avacado oil, and maybe added some vanilla essential oil, this could make a damn good body butter.
A: YOU. ARE. BRILLIANT. (OK. Cuz I am.)

BOOM. And that's how chocolate in my pants became inspiration for a new homemade body butter recipe which I will be experimenting with soon. It will be so good, you will want to lick yourself. I might just share the recipe. But, be sure to shave your legs first.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Krista's Top Ten List of What Not To Wear While Running

WARNING: Hanging booty
I'm pretty sure I broke a running fashion rule the other week. It's probably the first rule of running fashion. 

Running Fashion Rule #1. Never run with your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts.

Yeah. Shorter than short shorts are a big NO NO. Well for running anyway. They're perfect for pole dancing and for women fifteen years younger than me.

In my defense though, it was one of those weeks where I was hard-pressed to find time for even my 25 minute hill repeats, which meant that I had to let the laundry suffer. And when the laundry suffers I find myself desperately digging through my clothes drawers to find something, ANYTHING, that is remotely acceptable to wear. I was lucky I wasn't going into the gym or that could have been tragically uncomfortable - instead I was running hills and trails in a somewhat isolated area where only a handful of people in a three year time period unwittingly witnessed my brave attempts at peeing-while-standing-up so I figured the odds were good that I could get away with wearing the hanging-booty booty shorts.

So I did what any desperate runner would do. I put them on. Then asked my husband to photograph the atrocity. I needed confirmation.

Too short booty short fix
These booty shorts were just plain wrong. I bought these shorts online not really paying attention to the inseam measurement. Who measures their inseam anyway? I would think there should be a standard of "appropriate shortness" for workout clothing but apparently I was wrong. Even I found the wedgie from those shorts to be a wee bit invasive and I'm a thong girl.

With my need to run growing more and more intense I tried to correct the problem by pulling my shorts down a bit then using the buff around my waist to keep them from riding up again. I think I was about two repeats in when my cheeks were like "OH HELLO THERE."

I accepted my fate. I should have just ran in a pair of bikini bottoms.

I should clarify that I'm no stranger to running/gym fashion faux pas nor to breaking rules.

Footless socks? Wha?
Check out this little nugget -  my footless socks, ironically, for warmth. Yes. I did that. When I was running barefoot a lot I would cut the feet out of my socks and run with the socks but sans the shoes. For warmth. Yeah. Don't ask. There's no answer to stupidity.

Well... I've smartened up over the years by wearing full length socks and shoes for warmth although most would question my style sanity...

I still support this decision. I love fun socks!

And speaking of cold, let's not forget the time that I smartly decided that since my toe warmers didn't fit INSIDE my minimal shoes I would stick them to the OUTSIDE. Yeah. I did that too. They looked like maxi pads, but in all fairness they worked like a charm. 

For about two miles. Then they fell off.

Oh jeez. Where were the running fashion police that day?

Then there were the toe shoes. My vibrams. Many of my fellow minimal and barefoot friends would say this is not a running fashion faux pa, but I would have to disagree. In my case, they were the ultimate fashion faux pa since I bought them forgetting I had webbed toes that would never comfortably fit into them. Duh.
Mud run with my toes shoved into little painful pockets.
Oh and there's more fashion mistakes I've made over the years. Really. I'm the poster child for the worst dressed runner out there. I could go on and on... but I won't - or maybe I will. How about I give you my top ten worst dressed fashion running secrets here? Come on. I know you want to know. *wink*


Krista's Top List of What Not to Wear
(or, if you're me, What TO Wear) while Running
Cuz everyone needs a running fashion guru… 

1. If you’re a badass wear whatever the hell you want. Let your cheeks hang, your boobs sway, rock the rhinestones.  When you're fast and a badass there's no need to dress responsibly. 

2. If you’re gonna run a race in costume make it worth it. Pink assless chaps and a unicorn costume is pretty worth it. For everybody.

Not sure I'd want this guy running BEHIND me.

3. Cotton is the ultimate running fabric. Seriously. If you can stand the chafing it’ll keep you cool and wet in the summer. And you can rock those old concert tees on the trail. In the winter… well who the hell runs in winter anyway?

4. Look the part. Don’t smell the part. Saturate your running gear in large amounts of perfume or aftershave and you’ll never have to worry about friends complaining that you stink. Of course, your running partners will be MIA, but what do you care? You’ve always enjoyed solo runs anyway.

5. Run naked. There’s nothing wrong with running sans the clothes but note there’s a time and place. You’d be smart to do this at night and in a mostly remote area away from traffic. There’s nothing more disappointing than being arrested just as you are about to PR your best time. But on the flip side, running away from the cops could be the most effective technique for PRing. Be sure to bring your Garmin and track that shit!

6. If you’re a guy, “manpris” (running capris for men) aren’t wrong at all - as long as you can kick everybody’s ass. Literally.

7. Test all your gear for a 5k. If you really want to see how that hydration vest is gonna work out, wear it for a 5k. Oh and try that fuel belt too. Oh and those gaiters… and that headlamp… and those compression socks… and don’t forget the running poles. Because ANYTHING can happen around 2.5 miles.

8. Drink it don’t wear it. We all know beer and whiskey are the best hydration for any race so when drinking it’s important not to get sloppy. Don’t spill it all over yourself before the finish line. You’re an athlete not an alcoholic. Ok. Maybe an athletic alcoholic. Either way, finishing a race smelling like a bum is not cool. Keep it neat. See what I did there?

This hydration did not end up on my shirt.


9. The brighter the better. Wear bright reflective clothing on the trails so the bears know where to find you in the middle of the night. Or so your running partners can run away from you when they see you attacking them.

I have been known to attack innocent runners on the trail.


10. Wear race appropriate attire. Be sure to wear a shirt that is compatible with the race you are running. Be clear so there are no questions.

Perfectly appropriate running attire.
For a mud run.


That's my top ten list of what not to wear, or what to wear. Dress responsibly folks. There are other runners affected by your running fashion actions. If you have anything to add feel free to comment below.
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Monday, October 20, 2014

Giveaway Winner #2!

Random.org picked #2
Emir! Dude! The universe thinks you need a new shirt, man! You were picked to receive a Zaps Threads original tee. Contact me now at zapmamak@gmail.com so I can get your info and send you a free shirt. Feel free to peruse the selection of awesome shirt designs on my site so you can let me know what exactly you want.

 






For the rest of you... thank you for entering my giveaway. I'm done with slacking lately, so expect more giveaways in the near future. And if you're a NorCal local or even a Born To Run amigo, stop by and see me at my booth at upcoming events. I'll keep you posted on those. Trust me. It'll be worth it. *wink*
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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Free Tee Giveaway - Are you ready?

I'm giving away my shirt!
Wanna free shirt? Sure you do. Honestly, I've subjected you to enough of my flim flam these days you deserve a little something for free and it's seriously been FOREVER since my last Zaps Threads giveaway.

I just finished putting three of my latest Zaps Threads designs up on my Spreadshirt site - The Stupid Miles, the Ultra Warrior, and the Ultra Runner tee designs. If you want one of these, or any one of my myriads of other designs you see here you will have to enter this giveaway... NOW. Seriously, folks, those Stupid Miles tees have been stupidly popular and I would hate for you to miss out on getting one for free.


Zaps Threads Men's Ultra Warrior Tee
So if you haven't had a chance to buy a shirt from me in person at one of the events I vended at this year - and trust me, that once-in-a-lifetime awesome experience is much better than the online one, usually involving a free shot, free beer, a special cookie or just my charming personality which you should take full advantage of should you ever find yourself in close proximity to the Born To Run Ultras, She Rocks the Trails, or possibly Way Too Cool next year - then let's not forget that here's an opportunity to get your hands on my shirt for FREE. Ok maybe not *my* shirt cuz that could get me into trouble, but one of my exclusively designed ultra running tees that I've worked my ass off to conceive, design, and produce, mostly to keep myself sane. It's what I do. 

Zaps Threads Men's Ultra Runner Tee
So I won't keep you from your coffee, or work, or sleep, or whatever else you're multitasking with at the moment for much longer - and for pete's sake if you're driving put the fucking phone down!! Here are the details:








1) Go like Zaps Threads on Facebook (if you haven't already).

2) Tweet, Facebook, or use some other social network to share this giveaway and be sure to use any of the following hashtags : #stupidmiles, #ultrarunning, #giveaway, or #freeshirt in the post.

3) Come back here and leave a comment and tell me how you shared this giveaway.

4) Please don't double post. Lets keep it fair, folks.

That's it! Then check back here for the winners which I will pick in about a week or so. Good luck! 

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Why Ultra Running is Just Like Sex...

Yeah. I'll bet you wanna know. I've been pondering lately on the similarities between ultra running and sex (Surprise! I'm back!) and with the help of a few friends and some informal brainstorming (which may or may not have included alcohol) I've summed it up here. Not a very meaningful post, but who needs meaningful when you've got entertaining, right? 

WHY ULTRA RUNNING IS JUST LIKE SEX
1. Duh. You have to like getting dirty. I mean REAL dirty.
2. If you start out too hard and too fast you're likely to blow your wad too quickly.
3. Sometimes you do it ALL NIGHT LONG.
4. Calf and foot cramps happen at the most inopportune times.
5. Sometimes it makes your ass hurt...
6. ...and your nipples bleed.
7. There's spandex involved.
8. Form is important.
9. It's often more fun in a group.
10. It's OK to take a break and eat a sandwich.
11. After you're done, you want a beer, a cigarette, a shower, and a nap (not necessarily in that order.)
12. Endurance makes all the difference.
13. You get really sweaty.
14. Your mouth feels dirty halfway through.
15. Mmmmmmm. What's that salty taste?
16. When it's really hot getting wet feels so good.
17. A shower afterward is optional.
18. We suck on nipples. A LOT.
19. Your pacer gets excited when they see you coming.
20. Sometimes it involves a monetary transaction.
21. Often times there are shots involved.
22. One word - Swag.
23. Sometimes your hallucinations look like Ron Jeremy.
24. Repetitive injuries can happen.
25. Lube can be very important.
26. Sometimes you just gotta do it alone.
27. You always end up with melted chocolate.
28. LICKIT!
Did I forget anything? Feel free to contribute. Come on! Lets make it an even 30!
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Friday, September 26, 2014

Is it Time To Throw a Party in Your Temple?

Glitter everywhere!
Summer is settling down now. Routine is resuming. I'm getting back to semi consistent training (although my gym schedule will be shuffling again soon) and finally, my mostly paleo diet is getting back on track. I launched myself off the wagon for a bit. You don't know this yet, but if you happen to run into me on the street, I will convince you that there is something nutritiously redeeming about corn-dogs and milkshakes... and lots and lots of chocolate chips. Oh. And beer and bagels. I could go on, but it would be embarrassing.

But we can't all be perfect all the time, can we?

And we shouldn't.

Sometimes you just gotta let go and have some fun. Your body may be a temple, but I recommend throwing a kick-ass party in there from time to time. In fact, temples are the BEST places to throw a kick-ass party - the acoustics are awesome. But, be sure to clean up the mess afterward, wipe the glitter off your body, and kick out any lingering party guests, cuz eventually you'll need to get things back in order.

So that's what I'm trying to do right now. 

I'm still finding glitter in unusual places. Oh well. It happens.

So now that normal life is resuming, I am starting to think about my t-shirt designs again and planning an upcoming giveaway of one of my Zaps Threads "Stupid Miles" t-shirts (I just sent in my order). I know it's been forever – which is why this needs to happen – but trust me. This IS HAPPENING, PEOPLE, so keep yourselves in the loop and keep checking in.

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